Loud whispers with Joseph Edgar

President Bola Tinubu: On Your Mandate We Kneel

“Daddy, you see, part of the problem is the stress it took me to see you.”

“Duke my son, don’t vex, me sef I am confused, I don’t even know what is happening.”

“Better warn all these your people, they must give me access to you this time because it appears that nobody around you is telling you the truth.

“See, daddy sit down, let me tell you some home truths. Meanwhile, kindly tell the chef to prepare something because by the time I am finished, I will be very hungry. Daddy, the main problem is your lack of confidence. You are not sending a strong feeler to the system that you even understand the issues, let alone being able to handle it. Daddy, your confidence ratio is anaemic. We are no longer standing on your mandate but kneeling on it.

“Me, I did not come here to laugh with you o daddy, but to engage you in a way that we will get solutions today. The naira cannot be falling daily, even in Venezuela it did not happen like that. My former oga once told me when he was about to employ me – ‘Look Edgar, if you cannot better me, don’t worsen my case.’ Daddy, shey you sef see where the situation is right now. No need to be repeating it here, we have to seek solutions and very quickly o.

First overhaul your communications team. Remove all of those people, from the inexperienced who seem to only announce your appointments – which is another area we must look at. Then that other baba who still thinks we are struggling with June 12, Bayo. Yes, that Baba must go very quickly. You need to build a young and vibrant communications team that will open you up to Nigerians. You must be seen as empathic, you must take a tour of the country, visit homesteads, hold people’s hands and cry with them and say, ‘do not worry, I “gat” you guys.’

“Please daddy, no vex but begin to stop with the appointments. They are enough because they are irritating already. We need food and not the continuous appointments of people from the same cloth.

“Debt freeze, grants, renegotiations, push on the supply side, ramp up agric extensions, block leakages in government, reduce government spendings, sack your people – finance, trade and investments, solid minerals, CBN all these not working. Tackle security- move Wike to defense, give Service Chiefs six months or be gone, get close to OBJ- he was our last president and then just send a firm signal of being sure footed.

“Baba, me I am standing or should I say I am kneeling with you. On your mandate we will all kneel so you just stand up, rise up and make that proclamation but this time do not shout Emilokan because someone can throw rotten pepper and tomato on you o,  this time, rise up and say – I GOT YOU.

“Omo Tinubu, Amoda, he that has no fear, the only baba of our time, the only lion that fought for June 12, the last man standing, baba mi, “okunrin metta”, oko Remi, baba Seyi, oko gbogbo obirin. The real Lion of Judah, what is the economy that you cannot handle? Is it not you that dropped from the sky, is it not you that flew on a broom to Chicago, is it not you that built Lagos? You will rise to your mandate and Nigeria will proclaim you the true messiah. Oya stand up and stop putting your hands on your head, go and bathe and change, let’s go watch football. It will be well my daddy. Don’t fret. Kai.”  

Economic Hardship: An Urgent Change of Guard

A cursory look at the Federal Executive Council, you will see it filled up with journey men. People that were selected to be rewarded or compensated. This situation has led the team to work at cross-purposes. While one side is talking about this, the other side is talking about that. I do not really see a handshake between the fiscal and the monetary side, or an understanding of the role that solid minerals are supposed to be playing in all of these. Technology is hiding and the trade and investment desk is totally out of her league. The Osun oga in blue economy is just biding his time and petroleum is dancing around like a gigolo.

Dear sir, now that I am on your side, let me say something. You really need to shake up this cabinet and do it NOW! It’s all about confidence. Nigerians and indeed international counterparties want to see better optics, they want to have the confidence that they are talking to the right people and as such would be better able to cut deals and negotiate better deals for us.

In this regard, permit me to recommend some names. Fola Adeola readily comes to mind, he fostered the pensions reforms which has seen that industry grow to over N3 trillion in valuation. Another person is Bimbo Ashiru who is presently the Chairman of Odu’a Group. He understands industries and finance. He did remarkably well in Ogun State as Commissioner for Commerce opening up the space and throwing up what little industrialisation you see there. His work with Odu’a Group has seen the group expand very aggressively into areas that are out of their core groupings with remarkable results. Bring back Nasir El-Rufai, he is stubborn, dogged and cannot be compromised. He is the devil we need in the equation. Donald Duke is another person. His clarity of purpose, understanding of the new economy and visionary status will help us. Jallo Waziri is at the CSCS. He is an AI expert and has leveraged technology to grow funds under their custody upwards of N14 trillion.

Ambode, Fashola, Mustafa Chike-Obi, Ezekwesili and others like that should all be given a look in. At this point we need experience and not people who will come and learn on the job or people who will be appointed to satisfy political expediency.

You should also set up a new council of state that would have all Bank CEOs, MDs of firms with capitalisation above N1 trillion, trade organisations to be meeting weekly until the economy is resolved. The meeting alone sef will make the markets calm down.

Sir, you need to show an expansive and robust approach to tackling the matter rather than this one where blame is being thrown at Buhari, Emefiele, governors and prostitutes. Let’s stop that, you are the Commander-in-Chief and the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, rise to the occasion oga.

EFCC:  A Bull in a Forex Market

Please, can you invite me and let me explain some things to you. Let me even ask you guys something. Have you ever been in a fight with a woman and she holds your balls? Oya imagine it now. She is weak and of no physical consequence to you. With one blow you can scatter her brains. You are all powerful and engaging and you are a lion.

But as you roar, she quickly grabs your balls and squeezes. My brother EFCC Chairman, your voice will turn to a whimper, your eyes will budge and turn red and you will experience the kind of pain you can only imagine in hell. You will fall on your knees and beg for your life.

That is what these forex crises are about. Some people are holding Nigeria’s balls and squeezing it real hard and it is not by force that you will save Nigeria. Carrying big guns and pushing your men in cheap suits and that red thing they wear to “attack” mallams, as we call them, all over the place. This will only worsen the situation especially if they are licensed BDCs.

What we need now is adequate policy, negotiations and some people have mentioned amnesty. I have heard about this amnesty in so many places recently. People are saying that we should allow a “prosecution freeze” so that the estimated $80 billion in private vaults can find their way back to the market. My thoughts are still out there on this, but raiding the BDCs or the mallams who trade currency cannot and will never solve this problem.

Do you really think that the supply chain that is beating up the Naira are in those little places? The bulk of the “hoarders” do not even know the road to those open places where people go to change money that they use to drink “paranga.”

We need to be strategic and while on our knees, look into the eyes of the beautiful woman who is holding and squeezing our balls and tell her, “See, I love you and have never cheated on you, that baby isn’t mine. I swear if you leave my balls, I will call her now and abuse her.”

Yes, that is what we need to do. We must be humble because Nigeria has been bought and sold by these people. You know them and we know that you know them. Thank you.

DSS: Let’s Talk About Love

Men in black suits, how are you this morning? You see, the God that I worship is a wonderful one. When I saw the headline ‘DSS Warns Labour,’ I wanted to shout. Then something asked me to calm down and read the story. Kai, these bloggers can put someone in trouble o. The DSS statement being quoted had nothing to do with the headline, that was how I would have been staring into the bloodshot eyes of one operative, begging him to allow me finish my afang before they take me away.

Anyways, the statement I read was beautiful. It was conciliatory and mature. It sued for peace and asked that the NLC embrace negotiations as a priority at this time instead of the planned protest because of the potential of it being hijacked.

But my people in black suits, I beg to differ just a bit. You see, when you are boiling water, steam must come out, if not we all know what will happen. The people are taut, they need an avenue to express themselves and this NLC two-day strike affords them an opportunity to do just that.

I think the NLC should be encouraged with their planned protest, at least they are even more strategic than they used to be, limiting it to just two days and pushing very seriously for peaceful demonstrations.

We must be allowed to march; we must be allowed to air our grievances, albeit in peaceful and very organised manners and the authorities must support this by providing a very safe and amenable structure with which we can rally very safely.

I think the DSS and other such authorities should immediately reach out to the leadership of the NLC and plan this thing together. DSS should take care of security, working with the police, road safety should make sure the roads are safe, fire brigade should be on standby, the various state governments should provide ambulances and healthcare support, the Humanitarian Ministry — if dem never finish the money — should provide food, walking shoes, pure water and all, and the NGOs should also join by hiring musicians, and we all go out there as one Nigeria and shout.

I swear, I understand this thing, it’s just that fear to come that your office will not let me come and explain the thing well. I tell you what I will do, let me go and explain to your regular customer, Chief Fani-Kayode, he will now come and explain to you abi? Because me, I don’t even want to know the street where your office is located, let alone coming in.

Better still, we can do Zoom but na with your female operatives o, light skinned one o, not that Peter that will be doing face one kind before I go and get a stroke. One Nigeria abeg.

Biola Williams: I Have Cast the First Stone

Biola is a famous actress and my sister. She does not mince words and gives me as good as it gets. I woke up this morning to her voice note on a matter that has shamed the public.

We all heard of the hedonistic party held by a big woman of God one week after the death of Herbert Wigwe. It has been reported that Herbert was a major supporter of the church and it is even believed that a few weeks to his passing, he had given them a soft loan of N1 billion. This being apart from other such huge interventions.

So, while the whole world was mourning, mummy entered in a peacock dress and pulled in Flavour who with his bare chest was shouting “agba dollar” all over the place.

Of course Nigerians went mad. The insensitivity was  idiotic. Herbert had just died and not been buried and this huge mimicry of Christendom was being parlayed on his grave?

I refused to talk o. Amebo people started calling me- Duke what do you have to say? Duke say something o and when the pressure was too much, I released a statement where I said, I will not talk but reminded Nigerians of the sad nature of Christianity in Nigeria today where we have rockstars and film stars as pastors who now live lives that would make the most hedonistic of film stars cringe in envy.

That was how my sister, the great defender of Christendom, dropped a voice note for me which encapsulates the major problem we face in this country regarding these people. Basically, she said: “Oh Edgar, you do not have moral justification to talk because you are a flawed human being. You are flawed so you cannot talk. Who should cast the first stone, it should not be you… you are a flawed human being.” Kai.

So because I masturbate, I cannot see what is wrong and talk? Did I also jump on the platform of piety to say that I was called into the ministry and as such my flawed nature should debar me from saying that, you cannot disrespect this man like this?

So, because I love light-skinned, buxomly women, I cannot now say  ‘Oh no, you can’t do that just one week after his passing?’ So, because I love porn and watch it daily, I cannot now say ‘Oh mummy of Israel, you just embarrassed yourself?”

My dear sister Biola, I love you like mad and as such, I will let you go free this time. I will not yab you but do not take my silence on this matter for weakness, just take it that for Herbert, I will turn the other cheek. Let’s do afang when you are less busy. Kai.

Prof Bamire Simeon, Resign or Be Sacked

Did you guys see the lifeless body of the staff of Obafemi Awolowo University in Ile-Ife after the lion killed him? Did you guys see what he wore, his condition, the fence, the situation of the zoo and the environment?

That disaster was waiting to happen. He had no protective garb, obviously no safety procedure and no updated training. He was left with dilapidated infrastructure and was left to be feeding lions which most likely would have been starving most of the time.

Of course the lion attacked and Nigeria lost two very rare and special species – man and lion. No life deserves to go that way and if you must blame anybody, it’s not the lion but the very foolish system which did not put the right framework in place to ensure the right engagement between man and animal.

Lions are becoming extinct and in fact if you watch TV very regularly, you will see adverts with big music stars begging for their protection, na him this Ife people just go kill like that.

The poor man had on sandals, normal trousers and shirt, and was asked to go into the cage like that to feed hungry lions, and when the inevitable happened, the VC was calling for investigation.

Mbok, can someone ask that VC to leave already? He must take the full blame for not ensuring that the place met all global certified safety measures. It’s as simple as that.

My condolences to the late man’s family even as I warn Nigerians not to near that zoo and the one at University of Ibadan, those are more disasters waiting to happen, I cannot come and allow lion to use me do “ngwongwo,” I want to die peacefully on top of a woman.

If you want to see a lion, go to the Obasanjo Presidential Library Zoo in Abeokuta and see how they are kept in accordance with international set standards.