8 phrases people use when they pretend to love you

I’ve sat with many individuals in my counseling practice who found themselves wondering, “Does my partner truly love me, or is this just an act?”

It’s a painful question that can keep you up at night, second-guessing your instincts.

The truth is, certain people use words that sound loving on the surface, but on closer inspection, reveal deeper manipulation or insincerity.

Over the years, I’ve noticed specific phrases that pop up time and again in relationships lacking genuine affection.

Below, I’ll outline 8 common phrases that can be red flags. If you recognize more than one of these consistently in your relationship, it might be time to step back and ask yourself if you’re settling for counterfeit love.

1. “I love you more than anything, but you’re too sensitive.”

This phrase starts off sounding sweet, but it quickly twists into a subtle way of blaming you for feeling hurt.

I’ve heard it countless times in my office: the partner who professes love in one breath, then dismisses your emotions in the next.

Real love acknowledges that feelings—both yours and theirs—matter.

It’s often a tactic used by people who want to keep you on the hook. They toss out a quick “I love you more than anything” but follow it with a backhanded comment that invalidates your reality.

As Brene Brown said, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.”

If your partner can’t show empathy for your vulnerable moments, that love they’re declaring may not be as genuine as it seems.

2. “You know how much I care about you, so stop nagging.”

This one’s a classic way to dodge accountability.

A partner who genuinely cares about you will want to understand why you feel the need to bring something up more than once. They won’t dismiss your concerns by slapping on the label of “nagging.”

When someone uses this phrase, they’re implying that your repeated requests or worries are inconvenient and that their declaration of caring should be enough to silence you.

In healthy relationships, your feelings are never a nuisance—they’re a source of insight into what you need.

That’s why you should ask yourself whether your partner truly values open communication, or if they’re just giving lip service to maintain an illusion of closeness, especially if you’re constantly labeled as “nagging.”

3. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but it’s not my fault.”

I can almost see the faces of my clients as I write this—so many have shared stories of halfhearted apologies that place all the blame back on them.

This phrase is a masterful example of deflection: “I’m sorry you feel that way” sets up an apology, only to rip it away by insisting “it’s not my fault.”

People who pretend to love you often rely on carefully crafted statements like these. On the surface, it sounds like they’re acknowledging your feelings.

Underneath, they’re telling you, “I’m not responsible for making things right.”

Tony Robbins once said, “Where focus goes, energy flows.”

And I can’t agree more. If your partner focuses all their energy on avoiding responsibility, that’s a serious red flag about the relationship’s future.

4. “I’m doing all of this for us—can’t you see how lucky you are?”

This might sound romantic at first glance:

Someone claiming they’re working hard or making sacrifices for the sake of your partnership.

However, if it’s frequently followed by guilt-tripping or demands for constant appreciation, it’s a sign that love may be more performance than reality.

Here’s the thing:

Real love isn’t piling on the pressure to prove how grateful you are. It’s based on shared efforts, mutual respect, and an authentic desire to uplift each other.

When someone repeatedly needs to remind you of how “lucky” you are, it often points to an underlying need for control.

As I mention in my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, genuine partnerships operate on balanced give-and-take, not ongoing indebtedness.

5. “You’re everything to me—no one else would put up with you.”

In a healthy relationship, hearing that you’re “everything” to your partner can be wonderfully reassuring.

But the moment they tack on a phrase like “no one else would put up with you,” it becomes downright toxic.

It’s a manipulative approach to make you believe that you’re somehow unlovable, and they’re graciously offering their love despite your “flaws.”

I’ve noticed how deeply this phrase can cut, causing people to cling to that partner out of fear that nobody else could ever want them. It’s a fabricated sense of scarcity that keeps you in an unbalanced dynamic.

Remember, real love involves kindness, not belittling remarks passed off as playful or affectionate.

6. “Why are you so hung up on the past? I told you I love you now.”

Looking back, this one probably deserved a higher spot on the list.

Anyway, saying “I love you now” while dismissing or invalidating past hurts is a major sign that someone isn’t truly invested in healing your relationship. They just want you to quit bringing up topics that make them uncomfortable.

Genuine love involves showing patience and understanding for each other’s emotional scars.

Warren Buffet famously noted, “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.”

In the same way, it takes consistent effort to rebuild trust once it’s been broken, especially in an intimate relationship.

7. “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me.”

This statement is a classic form of emotional blackmail.

Whether it’s about lending money, abandoning personal goals, or changing your appearance, being coerced by the condition “If you really loved me…” is a massive red flag.

Why?

Simply because people who pretend to love you often twist your desire to be supportive into a test of loyalty.

True love doesn’t force you to choose between your own values and your partner’s demands.

As the psychologists at Verywell Mind have highlighted, healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and willingness, not ultimatums.

So if you’re constantly hearing that your love is being measured by whether you comply with certain requests, it’s time to reflect on the power dynamics in your relationship.

8. “I only get upset because I love you so much.”

I’ve saved a big one for last, friends.

Love should never be used as an excuse for yelling, name-calling, or any form of emotional or physical mistreatment.

When someone says they’re lashing out because they love you, it frames abuse as a sign of deep feeling—which is both manipulative and harmful.

This phrase shows up frequently in relationships where one partner is controlling or has angry outbursts. They want you to feel responsible for their emotional dysregulation.

That’s why I want you to take this one lesson from me:

All emotions are valid, but not all behaviors are. And if someone can’t manage their reactions, that’s on them.

It’s not a testament to how passionately they love you.

Final thoughts

When someone truly loves you, their words will back up consistent actions—patience, respect, empathy, and a commitment to working through tough moments together.

If you keep hearing phrases like these eight from a partner, friend, or family member, consider it a wake-up call.

Real love isn’t about manipulation, guilt trips, or shallow lip service; it’s about genuine care, accountability, and kindness.

No one has the right to twist your emotions or question your worth. If you’re spotting these signs, reflect on what you truly deserve.

Sometimes, the healthiest step is to have a candid conversation or reach out to a trusted counselor. Whatever you decide, know that love can—and should—feel empowering.

Signing off