7 things men do in relationships when they lack self-esteem

For a long time, I couldn’t understand why some of my relationships just weren’t working out.

You know the story:

– Constant arguments

– Feeling underappreciated

– Walking on eggshells

– And that gnawing feeling that you’re just not good enough.

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit and a self-confessed psychology enthusiast. For years, I was that guy who constantly doubted himself in relationships. I always felt like the underdog, like I was forever trying to prove myself.

In hindsight, it’s clear now. My low self-esteem was infecting my relationships. I was stuck in this negative cycle, not realizing that my own insecurities were sabotaging my happiness.

Then I stumbled upon psychology research about behaviors men exhibit in relationships when they lack self-esteem. These 7 things were like a punch in the gut. They were a mirror reflecting my past mistakes.

In this article, I’ll share these 7 eye-opening insights with you. My hope is that they can help you understand your own behavior or perhaps shed light on your partner’s actions.

Let’s dive in.

1. Overcompensating

The first behavior I noticed in myself, when I looked back at my past relationships, was a tendency to overcompensate.

Psychology tells us that when men feel insecure about their worth or place in a relationship, they often try to make up for it by going overboard in other areas. Whether it’s showering their partner with gifts or becoming overly protective, this inflated behavior is a smokescreen for their underlying feelings of inadequacy.

For me, I was always the ‘joker’ – trying to keep everyone laughing, even if I was dying inside. It was easier to deflect attention with humor than confront my own insecurities.

But the problem with overcompensation is that it’s not sustainable. It’s a façade that eventually crumbles, often leading to relationship strain and further damage to self-esteem.

If you see yourself in this behavior, take a step back. Reflect on why you feel the need to overdo things. Don’t be afraid to seek help or talk about your feelings.

Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but rather an indication of strength.

2. Constantly seeking approval

Another behavior that men with low self-esteem often display is a constant need for approval.

In my own experience, I was always seeking validation from my partner. Whether it was aboutmy looks, my work, or even trivial things like my taste in music, I always needed reassurance that I was good enough.

Famous psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”

This quote resonated with me deeply. I realized that my constant search for approval was rooted in the fear of not being good enough. I was afraid of change and growth because I doubted my ability to adapt and learn.

The turning point came when I understood that it’s okay not to be perfect and that making mistakes and learning from them is part of the human experience.

3. Avoiding confrontation

The third behavior that men with low self-esteem often exhibit is avoiding confrontation.

I was no exception to this. I remember how I would do anything to avoid arguments or discussions that might lead to conflict. I was so afraid of rocking the boat that I ended up suppressing my thoughts and feelings.

As a result, my relationships lacked depth and honesty. Because I was not expressing my needs or standing up for myself, I felt unheard and undervalued.

It was a difficult pattern to break, but recognizing it was the first step. I began to understand that healthy confrontation is essential in any relationship, and that expressing my thoughts and feelings, even if they risk causing discomfort, is better than allowing resentment to build up.

It took time, patience, and a lot of inner work, but eventually, I learned to express myself confidently and constructively, without fearing the outcome. This led not only to improved self-esteem but also deeper, more meaningful relationships.

4. Excessive jealousy

The fourth behavior I observed in myself was excessive jealousy.

Whenever my partner would spend time with others, I would feel a pang of jealousy. This wasn’t because I didn’t trust her, but rather because I was insecure about my own worth. I constantly feared that she would find someone better.

A study found that low self-esteem in men is closely linked to higher levels of jealousy in relationships.

This suggests that individuals with lower self-esteem tend to feel more threatened by their partner’s interactions with others and are more likely to become jealous.

Recognizing this behavior and understanding its root cause was crucial for me. It allowed me to work on my self-esteem and trust issues, which in turn helped reduce my feelings of jealousy.

Jealousy is more often about you than it is about your partner. Working on your self-esteem can significantly alleviate these feelings.

5. Not setting boundaries

I used to feel guilty about asserting my own needs in a relationship. I thought that by accommodating my partner’s every wish and demand, I was being a good boyfriend. But instead, I was disregarding my own needs and feelings.

The inability to set boundaries often stems from low self-esteem. You fear that if you express your needs or say ‘no’, you’ll be rejected or abandoned.

Learning to create healthy boundaries was a significant step for me. I realized that setting boundaries wasn’t about being selfish; it was about respecting my own needs and well-being.

It’s essential to communicate openly with your partner about your needs and boundaries. A relationship should be a balanced partnership, not a one-sided sacrifice. This shift in perspective can lead to greater respect, understanding, and ultimately, an improved sense of self-worth.

6. Negative self-talk

The sixth behavior that men with low self-esteem exhibit is negative self-talk.

I was my own worst critic. I would constantly belittle myself, magnifying my flaws and downplaying my achievements. This internal dialogue significantly impacted my self-esteem and overall mental health.

I realized that the way I spoke to myself directly influenced how I felt about myself.

Once I became aware of this harmful self-talk, I started to consciously counter it with positive affirmations and self-compassion. It wasn’t easy, and it took time, but gradually, the voice inside my head became kinder and more supportive.

If you find yourself caught up in negative self-talk, remember that you have the power to change that narrative. Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend – with respect, kindness, and understanding.

7. Showcasing false confidence

The final behavior might seem counterintuitive, but it’s a common one: showcasing a false sense of confidence.

I used to put on a show of being overly confident, almost arrogant at times. I thought that by appearing confident, I could mask my insecurities. But this false bravado was just a cover-up for the lack of genuine self-esteem.

Feigning confidence might fool others temporarily, but it doesn’t address the root issue. Real confidence comes from accepting ourselves as we are, flaws and all, and working towards personal growth.

Here’s a practical tip: Start with self-acceptance. Instead of pretending to be someone you’re not, embrace who you are. Celebrate your strengths and acknowledge your weaknesses. This acceptance is the first step towards building genuine self-esteem and confidence.

Conclusion

Understanding these behaviors is the first step towards change. If you recognize yourself in any of these, remember that it’s not a life sentence. We all have the capacity for growth and change.

Don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you’re struggling with self-esteem issues. Therapy can provide valuable tools and strategies to help you navigate this journey.

And most importantly, be kind to yourself. Improving self-esteem is a process, not an overnight fix. Treat each small step as a victory and remember, every journey begins with a single step.

You are worthy of love and respect, just as you are. Believe in yourself, for you are stronger than you think. Your journey towards improved self-esteem starts now.

Source: geetiting