7 Phrases People Use When They Don’t Know How To Set Boundaries

There’s a fine line between being assertive and being unable to set boundaries.

The struggle often lies in our communication – we know what we want, but we’re unsure how to articulate it without coming off as harsh or demanding.

When we can’t set boundaries, we often resort to certain phrases that might seem harmless but actually reflect our difficulty in standing our ground.

In this article, I’ll spotlight seven such phrases people frequently use when they’re wrestling with boundary-setting. These are phrases you might recognize in your own language, highlighting areas where you could assert yourself more confidently.

Let’s dive in and identify these phrases to help us all navigate our relationships with better clarity and confidence.

1) “I guess it’s fine”

In the world of relationships and interactions, both personal and professional, we often encounter situations that test our boundaries.

One common phrase people use when they’re not sure how to set boundaries is “I guess it’s fine…”. This phrase rings alarm bells for uncertainty and lack of assertiveness.

When faced with a situation that makes us uncomfortable or infringes on our personal space or values, we may resort to this phrase as a means to avoid conflict or confrontation.

But in doing so, we inadvertently allow others to tread on our boundaries. It’s a way of saying yes when what we really want to say is no.

Remember, it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to protect your peace and prioritize your needs. Assertiveness isn’t about being aggressive; it’s about being clear, direct, and respectful about your needs and expectations.

2) “I don’t really mind”

This phrase takes me back to my college years. In my attempt to be easygoing and accommodating, “I don’t really mind…” became a frequent part of my vocabulary.

Whether it was about choosing a study spot, planning a group project, or deciding where to eat, I’d often say “I don’t really mind…” when in reality, I did have a preference.

The issue with saying “I don’t really mind…” is that it dismissed my own needs and opinions. It gave others the impression that their preferences always trumped mine.

Over time, I realized that constantly sidelining my own preferences wasn’t helping anyone. Instead, it left me feeling unheard and undervalued.

So, I made a conscious effort to voice my preferences. Sure, it was uncomfortable at first, but standing up for what I wanted brought a new level of respect in my relationships.

If you find yourself constantly saying “I don’t really mind…”, take a moment to reflect. Are you dismissing your own needs and wants? 

3) “Maybe we could…”

“Maybe we could…” is another phrase that often creeps into our language when we’re unsure how to assert our boundaries. It’s a soft approach, expressing a suggestion rather than a clear preference or decision.

While it might seem polite or non-confrontational, it can also send the message that we’re uncertain or passive. It leaves the door wide open for others to take control of the situation or decision-making process.

Interestingly, linguists have found that individuals who frequently use tentative language, such as “maybe”, “probably”, or “I think”, are often perceived as less confident and decisive.

This can influence how others perceive and interact with us in both personal and professional settings.

So, instead of saying “Maybe we could…”, try expressing your thoughts more assertively. For example, “I suggest…” or “I propose…”. These phrases demonstrate confidence and clarity, helping you to set stronger boundaries.

4) “Sorry, but…”

When it comes to setting boundaries, the phrase “Sorry, but…” often sneaks into our conversations. We use it as a buffer, trying to soften the blow of a refusal or disagreement.

The problem with starting your sentence with an apology is that it suggests you’re in the wrong for having a boundary in the first place. It can give others the impression that your needs or preferences are something to feel guilty about, which is not the case.

Your feelings and needs are valid, and asserting them doesn’t require an apology. Instead of saying “Sorry, but…”, try stating your boundary directly. For example, “I can’t commit to that right now…” or “I disagree with…”.

This approach shows respect for both your own needs and those of the other person, and helps you set clear and assertive boundaries.

5) “It’s not a big deal”

There was a time when “It’s not a big deal…” was my automatic response whenever someone crossed my boundaries. Whether it was a friend borrowing my clothes without asking or a colleague piling their work onto me, that phrase served as my shield.

The truth was, these situations did bother me and they were, in fact, a big deal. But I used this phrase to downplay my feelings and maintain harmony.

However, consistently downplaying your feelings can lead to resentment and strain in your relationships. It’s crucial to acknowledge when something bothers you and address it directly.

Instead of dismissing your feelings with “It’s not a big deal…”, try expressing how you truly feel. For instance, “I felt upset when…”.

This honest communication can foster understanding and respect in your relationships while also reinforcing your boundaries.

6) “Whatever you want”

“Whatever you want…” is a phrase that might seem accommodating, but it can often indicate a lack of boundary setting. It’s an easy out when we’re confronted with a decision or choice that affects us but we don’t want to appear difficult or demanding.

By leaving the decision entirely up to others, we may think we’re being flexible and easygoing. However, this approach can lead to dissatisfaction and resentment if we’re continually sidelining our own needs and preferences.

Rather than defaulting to “Whatever you want…”, try expressing your own preferences or propose a compromise. For example, you could say, “I would prefer to…” or “How about we…”.

This way, you’re participating in the decision-making process and setting boundaries that respect both parties’ needs.

7) “If it’s okay with you”

The phrase “If it’s okay with you…” can imply that we’re seeking validation or permission for our boundaries, which isn’t necessary.

We have a right to set boundaries that protect and honor our personal space, time, and emotional well-being.

It’s essential to understand this: your boundaries are not up for negotiation. They’re a reflection of your needs and values, and they don’t require the approval of others.

Instead of seeking validation with “If it’s okay with you…”, assert your boundary confidently. For example, “I need to…” or “I prefer…”. This reinforces your autonomy and ensures that your boundaries are respected.

The power of your words

Our language, the phrases we use, can give away so much about our internal state and how we navigate our boundaries.

The seven phrases we’ve explored are not inherently bad or wrong. They’re simply indicators that we might be struggling to assert our personal boundaries effectively.

But here’s the beautiful thing. Just as these phrases can reveal our struggles, they can also be transformed into tools of empowerment.

By becoming more aware of our language and consciously choosing to express our needs and preferences assertively, we can change our interactions, relationships, and ultimately, our lives.

Setting boundaries is not about shutting people out; it’s about creating a safe space where you can thrive. It’s an ongoing process of learning, practicing, and growing.

So the next time you catch yourself using one of these phrases, pause for a moment. Reflect on what you truly want to convey. Your words have the power to shape your world and assert your boundaries. Use them wisely.