10 phrases that sound polite but actually reveal a lack of emotional intelligence

Navigating conversations can sometimes feel like walking a tightrope.

You might think you’re being polite, but are you really? Sometimes, phrases that seem perfectly pleasant can betray a lack of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is all about understanding and managing our own emotions, and recognizing the emotions of others. And sometimes, our words can be our own worst enemies.

I’ve put together a list of ten phrases that might sound polite, but could actually be revealing a lack of emotional intelligence.

Let’s dive in, and hopefully help you avoid these conversational pitfalls.

1) “Calm down”

We’ve all likely said it, or heard it, in the heat of an argument or stressful situation. “Calm down.”

It might seem like a reasonable request, a plea for peace and quiet. But in reality, it can be a loaded phrase

Telling someone to calm down dismisses their feelings and can actually escalate the situation instead of defusing it. It’s like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Emotional intelligence involves recognizing and validating other people’s emotions, not minimizing them. So, instead of telling someone to calm down, try expressing empathy and understanding instead.

Remember, what sounds polite isn’t always emotionally intelligent.

2) “No offense, but…”

This is one I’m guilty of using myself.

“No offense, but…” is often a preface to a comment or criticism that could upset someone. In my case, I once said to a friend, “No offense, but that dress isn’t really your style.”

I thought I was being helpful, offering constructive criticism. But in reality, I was justifying a potentially hurtful comment with a false disclaimer of politeness.

Emotionally intelligent communication involves being respectful and considerate of others’ feelings. If you have to start a sentence with “No offense,” it’s probably better left unsaid.

3) “You’re overreacting”

This phrase is a common one, used to dismiss someone’s emotional reaction as too extreme. But did you know it’s actually a form of gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where one person makes the other doubt their own feelings or experiences. It’s a way of undermining and invalidating someone’s emotions.

Telling someone they’re overreacting does just that. It suggests their feelings aren’t valid, when in fact, everyone has the right to their own emotional responses.

Emotional intelligence involves acknowledging and validating feelings rather than dismissing them. 

4) “I’m sorry you feel that way”

On the surface, this might seem like an empathetic response. After all, you’re acknowledging the other person’s feelings, right? Well, not exactly.

The phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” is often a masked non-apology. Instead of taking responsibility for our actions or words that may have hurt someone, we shift the blame onto the other person’s feelings.

True emotional intelligence involves owning up to our mistakes and apologizing sincerely. A better way to express regret could be, “I’m sorry for what I did. I can see how it upset you.” This shows genuine understanding and remorse for our actions.

5) “You always…” or “You never…”

Ever found yourself starting a sentence with “You always…” or “You never…”? It might seem like a simple way to express frustration, but it’s actually a destructive communication trap.

These phrases are often used to criticize or blame, and they make sweeping generalizations about a person’s behavior. This can make the other person feel attacked and defensive, rather than open to understanding and improving.

Emotionally intelligent people understand the importance of addressing specific issues without attacking someone’s character. Instead of using “always” or “never”, try focusing on the particular behavior that’s bothering you. For example, “I felt hurt when you did this specific thing.”

6) “It’s not a big deal”

Sometimes, we say “It’s not a big deal” in an attempt to reassure others, to make their worries seem smaller, more manageable. But in doing so, we unintentionally belittle their feelings.

For instance, imagine a friend shares with you their fear of public speaking and you respond with “It’s not a big deal”. While your intentions might be good, your words could make them feel unheard and invalidated.

Real emotional intelligence involves acknowledging and validating other people’s feelings, even if we don’t fully understand them. Instead of dismissing their concerns, try saying something like “I can see this is really important to you” or “How can I support you?” This shows that you care about their feelings and are there to support them.

7) “I’m fine”

This two-word phrase is one I’ve used more times than I can count, especially when I don’t want to bother others with my problems.

“I’m fine” is often a shield, a way to hide our true feelings when we’re anything but fine. We might think we’re sparing others from our troubles, but in reality, we’re closing off an avenue of authentic communication.

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about understanding others’ emotions; it’s about being honest about our own feelings too. If we’re not okay, it’s okay to say so. Authenticity builds trust and intimacy in relationships, so let’s be brave and be real about how we feel.

8) “I don’t want to bother you but…”

This phrase might sound considerate, right? You’re acknowledging that the other person might be busy and you don’t want to impose. But here’s the twist.

When we say “I don’t want to bother you but…”, we’re actually setting up a negative expectation. We’re implying that our request or topic is a bother, which can make the other person feel burdened before they even know what we’re asking.

Emotionally intelligent people are mindful of how they frame their communication. Instead, consider saying, “Do you have a moment?” or “I would appreciate your input on something.” This way, you respect their time while also affirming the value of their input.

9) “It could be worse”

At first glance, this might seem like a phrase that offers perspective. But, in reality, it can unintentionally minimize someone’s feelings or situation.

Saying “It could be worse” to someone who is going through a tough time dismisses their struggle and can make them feel guilty for feeling upset.

Emotionally intelligent individuals understand that everyone’s feelings are valid, regardless of the situation. Instead of comparing their situation to something worse, try acknowledging their feelings and offering support. A simple “I’m here for you” can make all the difference.

10) “At least…”

The phrase “At least…” is often used to try and put a positive spin on a negative situation. But in doing so, it can actually dismiss and devalue the very real feelings someone is experiencing.

For example, saying “At least you have your health” to someone who’s just lost their job. Yes, health is important, but that doesn’t lessen the pain of their current situation.

The cornerstone of emotional intelligence is empathy, not dismissal. Instead of attempting to paint a silver lining, it’s more helpful to simply say, “I’m really sorry you’re going through this.” This acknowledges their pain and offers comfort without judgment.

Final thoughts: The power of empathy

The heart of emotional intelligence beats to the rhythm of empathy, understanding, and respect for others’ feelings.

Remember, our words are more than just sounds and letters; they’re powerful tools that can either build bridges or create walls between us and others.

The phrases we’ve discussed might seem polite on the surface, but they can inadvertently dismiss or invalidate someone else’s feelings. And that’s where emotional intelligence steps in – it’s about recognizing and validating those feelings, not minimizing them.

So next time you find yourself about to utter one of these phrases, take a pause. Reflect on what you’re really trying to communicate and how the other person might receive it.

The power to improve our emotional intelligence lies within our grasp – it starts with simply being mindful of our words. Because in the end, it’s not just about being polite; it’s about being kind, understanding, and genuinely empathetic.

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