February is “Heart Month,” and it’s a time to pay attention to our heart health. Plus, February is a time to show love and compassion for others on Valentine’s Day. But spiritual leaders and scientists suggest we could be overlooking the most important person of all to express our love to: ourselves. The Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, says, “If we do not know how to take care of ourselves and to love ourselves, we cannot take care of the people we love. Loving oneself is the foundation for loving another person.” Scientific-backed studies validate the ancient belief that self-love is the best fuel for our relationships and careers.
The Myths Of Self-Love
Comics have long considered self-love fodder for jokes. In the 1990s, comedians mocked the notion of self-love and self-affirmations with tongue-in-cheek phrases such as, “I’m smart enough” or “I’m good enough.” Al Franken created and performed the fictional character Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live in a mock self-help show called Daily Affirmations. Years since, otherwise willing participants have steered away from the off-putting idea of self-love and positive affirmations.
The comedy skit was derived from the the kick-butt voice that lives in our heads and bludgeons us with criticism, telling us how worthless, selfish, dumb or incompetent we are. It never rests and gobbles up more mental real estate than the voice that shows us our real potential. In fact, hardliners capitalize on harsh self-treatment, thinking self-judgment and self-criticism toughens us up and motivates us to succeed, promoting job performance and career advancement. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.
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Some people have a visceral reaction, cringing at the thought of self-love. We’ve been taught to hold it at arm’s length because it’s considered selfish, narcissistic or New Age nonsense—even cheesy. Others adhere to the mistaken belief that self-love would soften us into slackers. In certain circles, self-sacrifice is the nobler ticket—especially among women who have been told they’re supposed to take care of others before themselves. This belief, too, is a myth.
Chances are, you wouldn’t dream of treating a loved one the way you treat yourself: calling yourself names, pelting yourself for the smallest slip-ups, disbelieving in yourself and giving up on your goals. When you’re feeling sad, in pain or grieving, harsh words such as, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” or “There are people worse off than you,” or “Get a grip!” can actually worsen your distress.
The Science Of Self-Love
When we dislike ourselves, we don’t take good care of ourselves, and it shows, translating into lack of self-confidence and a genuine inability to love and care for others. It’s more socially acceptable to practice modesty and talk about our shortcomings instead of our “tallcomings”—the skills and talents we possess—even though research shows that negative self-perceptions undermine career success. For example, job candidates who avoid loving themselves are more apt to stumble over their words in job interviews when asked about their strong points, making them appear to lack confidence.
Modern science has produced a body of research showing that self-love and self-compassion are powerful career advancement tools that actually promote heart health, well-being and contribute to confidence, motivation and productivity. Neuroscientists have found that replacing self-judgment with self-love motivates us to get back in the saddle instead of throwing in the towel.
In the aftermath of a career setback—such as a missed promotion, failure to meet a critical deadline or job loss—self-condemnation is like fighting the fire department when your house is on fire. Coming down hard on yourself after a misstep adds insult to injury and reduces your chances of rebounding.
The neuroscience on self-love draws remarkable conclusions about heart health, job performance and career sustainability.
- Self-affirmations serve as cognitive expanders and broaden your perspective, allowing you to see more of your potential and career possibilities.
- If you practice self-compassion, you have a lower risk of developing cardiovascular disease. The linings of their arteries are cleaner with less plaque.
- Using kind self-talk before a job challenge reduces anxiety and increases the likelihood that you will excel in your performance.
- Self-talk with compassion after a professional misstep, setback or failure boosts your chances of rebounding; negative self-talk reduces the chances.
- Optimists who believe in themselves climb the career ladder faster and farther than pessimists consumed with self-doubt.
- Practicing self-compassion on a regular basis affects brain regions that make you more empathic to others.
- Smiling—even if you don’t mean it—versus frowning not only reflects how you feel, it contributes to how you feel, lifting your mood and motivation.
- Employers who express empathy are more likely to retain employees, increase engagement, amp up productivity and create a feeling of belonging in the company.
How To Practice Self-Love
We can all benefit from a little tender love and care during these uncertain and turbulent times. With all the scientific benefits of self-love why not follow in the footsteps of gold medal athletes and successful business people like ABC Shark Tank’s Barbara Corcoran, who treats herself with kindness and affection. “The most amazing thing happened when I replaced the tape in my head from, ‘You’re not smart enough,’ or ‘You can’t compete with them,’ to ‘You’re f-ing amazing, Barbara!’” Corcoran says on LinkedIn. “I started believing it.”
The first step to practice self-love is to be for you—not against you, but for you. If not for yourself, then who will be for you? Loving ourselves is the foundation for loving others–so it’s not selfish at all. In times of distress, talking yourself off the ledge in a calm, comforting tone helps you cope. Speak to yourself using your first name instead of the I pronoun, as Corcoran did, and it feels like you’re being comforted by someone other than yourself.
Throw yourself a thumbs-up every time you finish a project, reach a successful milestone or accomplish a professional goal. Give yourself a warmhearted response with a gentle hand over your heart—whether you win or lose—affirming how you feel and talking to yourself in an encouraging manner. This Valentine’s Day, as you’re doling out love for others, consider adding yourself to the list of people who can benefit from your own self-love. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Forbes
