Love, as it is commonly said, can be found in the most unusual places. The advent of the Internet, social media applications and dating platforms have further opened the doorway for many to find friendship, relationship and love.
Pew Research stated that about one in five adults, 21 per cent, met their partners online, while 61 per cent of them met them through a dating app.
Long-distance relationship has become the reality of most relationships and marriages.
According to a blog, Relationshipsadvice.com, 3.75 million couples are in long-distance relationships. It further notes that between 2000 and 2017, married Americans aged 18 and above in long-distance relationships grew from 2.7 million to 3.9 million.
In Nigeria, the recent japa (relocating to another country) wave has led to many couples and partners engaging in long-distance relationships.
But before the japa syndrome, there were several instances of couples who lived and worked in separate states with occasional time of physical meetings.
Longdistancefun.com defines LDR as an intimate bond between two people who are geographically distanced from each other, thereby reducing face-to-face interactions and physical contact between them.
However, not all couples or partners in LDR met on the Internet. The Internet then becomes the platform to continue to keep the love flame alive.
Marriage.com clarifies that LDR is one in which couples or partners travel for more than one hour to see each other and as a result have most of their communication via phone, email or video chat.
Experts have said LDR is hard but can be successful if partners are committed to making the relationship work and have certain traits that will allow the relationship to last.
“People told me it (our LDR) cannot work. Married men told me I was wasting my time as they had done it before and it did not work,” was the reaction a writer and multimedia journalist, Michael Orodare, received during his courtship with his fiancé who lived in Abuja at the time.
Refusing to be deterred by the advice and calls to call off the union with his betrothed, Orodare said the trust they had for each other was what kept their relationship going.
He said, “We had trust in each other and had confidence that our relationship could work. We were in a long-distance relationship for almost five years.”
The writer, married to his fiancée for over two years, stated he lived and worked in Lagos while his wife worked in Abuja.
The hectic nature of his work made physical meetings nearly impossible.
Reminiscing on the number of times they met physically, he said, “In 2019, we saw once. In 2020, we saw twice but the foundation of our relationship was built on a Christian background. Although there were distractions, we were able to manage the situation.”
He re-emphasised that trust was what made the relationship successful despite the several discouragements from naysayers.
“I was told to clone her phone or WhatsApp but I didn’t see any need for that because I trusted what God said about relationships. We constantly fellowshipped together with God,” Orodare said.
Stating how he handled the relationship despite the “bits of advice” from others and the distance, the writer said determination to make the relationship work, as well as the assurances from God during turbulent times in the relationship, was his anchor.
“I was busy with work and almost became anti-social. Before then, I loved going to the cinema but because my partner was not with me, I saw no need to go to the cinema alone. I think my work schedule helped me manage that,” he added.
Commenting on the issue, a counselling psychologist and the Lead Consultant of Sure Hope Counselling Clinic, Tosin Togun, stated that LDR could be a challenge for married and unmarried couples.
But, thankfully, with the aid of several technological devices and the necessary principles, LDR can be successful and enjoyable.
On how to effectively handle them, Togun advised LDR couples to have a defined and common goal in the relationship.
“The first thing to put in place is to define your relationship. Are you together for marriage or fun? Though staying in a relationship without marriage in mind is not encouraged as it can lead to jilt. Have a defined time and duration for the relationship. That helps you both to enjoy the present moment with great hope,” she said.
Communication is key in every relationship, whether close or long distance.
The counsellor stated that there must be a willingness from both parties to effectively and consistently share the highlights of their day.
Togun said, “Heart-to-heart communication is key to sustaining a long-distance relationship. Be willing to share every detail of your day with your partner.
“Insincerity has damaged many relationships today. If you love someone, be willing to be sincere about your past, present, and future. Anyone who cannot deal with your past does not deserve a future with you.”
At the outset, LDR can be exciting or smooth but if necessary principles are not put in place, it will lead to a decline and ultimately death of the relationship.
Commitment and integrity are paramount.
The counsellor added, “Integrity: being one with your word is another key to sustaining a long-distance relationship. Ensure to keep to the scheduled time of calls. When you miss the time or miss the call of your partner, do well to start your discussion with an apology on why you missed the scheduled time.”
Engaging in fun activities together would help to spice things up in the relationship.
With video streaming sites, you can both see a movie together at the same time or at different times and fix a time to share highlights about it.
“You could also plan to go to the gym, take a walk, and gist on the phone while walking,” Togun added.
Despite being on LDR, respect for each other is necessary.
The marriage counsellor stated, “Use the five magic words: I’m sorry, excuse me, please, thank you, and I love you. All of these magic words are very important at different times. Always ensure mutual respect for one another and keep up with pet names and the magic words, even in the face of challenges.”
It is also important not to “leave your partner far away for a very long time. Schedule a time, or at least three times in the year, when you can spend time together, physically.”
Also, a family lawyer and divorce counsellor and mediator, Aronke Omame, aka Sisi Lawyer, stated that separation as a result of job schedules or work locations, short-term visits to a relative and the current Japa trend were some reasons for LDR.
She, however, noted that it was better for couples not to be separated.
Sisi Lawyer said, “LDRs are relationships that generally speaking are foisted on a couple because of circumstances. For couples who have been married for a long time, circumstances such as going to take care of a loved one or doing ‘omugwo’ (a family member taking care of a new mother and her baby) could be the reason for such. For another set of people, the realities of Nigeria would make them seek work far away from their base.
“When couples agree that they should be separated as defined in LDR, it is a matter of choice. I believe that couples in a happy relationship should not be distanced from each other.”
She stated that LDR was not ideal since the purpose of marriage was companionship and togetherness.
The family lawyer opined that LDR could cause temptation.
“Everyone likes to feel held, loved and cared for and a relationship is meant to be a physical thing; not necessarily sex. When there is no physical relationship on a daily or regular basis, it leads to temptation,” she added.
She further stated that couples intending to relocate to another country with the plan of having one of them leave before the other, did not fully explore the immigration opportunities available for them to travel as a family.
Omame, however, stated that LDR couples could handle the situation when they communicated every day.
“Keep in touch daily. At least hear each other’s voice even if it is just to say ‘Hello, I love you.’ You have to build a friendship. If it is possible for us to build a friendship with people we do not know on social media, then build a friendship with your spouse or partner while you are separated. This will also help you to build trust. Also, get information on how you can both get together as soon as possible,” she said.
She urged LDR couples or partners in separate countries to seek information from the embassies on the relocation plan and processes for the other partner.
( Source: Punch )
