Set boundaries, find peace, and remain connected to yourself.
- The holidays are high-risk times for family gaslighting.
- Family gaslighting can come from years of false narratives.
- When others in the family do not support a victim, the impact of gaslighting is worse.
- Practicing space in its many forms is key for self-protection.
The holidays are arguably one of the most high-risk times for chronic forms of family gaslighting can occur. Throughout the year, you may have been able to distance yourself physically or mentally from a gaslighter, even if you live nearby. Yet during the holidays, it is common to get everyone together with the expectation that people will get along and be, well, merry.
The stress around these gatherings can mean that whatever defenses or boundaries you normally have in place will need to be reinforced. The potential for anxiety and dread around seeing a gaslighting family member can be palpable and so knowing what to expect and how to protect yourself is key.
Why Family Gaslighting Is So Harmful
Gaslighting that occurs in family relationships is difficult to get away from and tends to persist for years, if not a lifetime. Family gaslighters can be anyone—primary caregivers or parents, siblings, extended family, or stepfamily. The one constant, however, is the complexity of the family system and how it plays a role in the gaslighting dynamic.
When an entire family bears witness to gaslighting, and no one protects the victim—often out of fear of being targeted themselves—it can further perpetuate the distorted version of reality painted by the gaslighter. To help defend yourself against family gaslighting during the holidays, it is important to reinforce your boundaries through space in its many forms.
Gaslighting Family Lore
Much like the supply of adoration and praise a narcissist needs, a gaslighter craves control by creating instability and eroding self-esteem and confidence in others. This is why gaslighting family members will often seek out controversial topics of conversation to engage in and can sometimes present as a “high-conflict person.”
Other tactics that are common in chronic (or long-term) gaslighting dynamics include attempts to reinforce baseless or false narratives about a target or targets. It’s probable that any mistake, insecurity, or failure that occurred in the past will become woven into the gaslighter’s false narratives about their target. If someone who is now in adulthood was a sensitive child, for example, the gaslighter may repeat negative stories and blow them out of proportion, such as creating the image that the grown adult standing in front of them is still the little boy or girl who cannot handle themselves.
Because there is a rich history from which to pull in families, much of it can be misremembered or forgotten over time. This can make it more likely the gaslighter will be able to confuse you or others in the family to believe the stories or narratives they create. For this reason, it is crucial to determine when gaslighting is occurring by doing the following:
1. Identify the behavior. The first and most crucial step involves recognizing what is happening. Pay attention to any common phrases and tactics being used such as:
- Denial or Withholding: “I never did that/said that/thought that/wanted that.”
- Trivializing Feelings: “Why are you so needy/emotional/hysterical/ridiculous/overdramatic/negative?”
- Deflecting Blame: “Why are you bringing this up when you are the one who is to blame for our issues?” “How can you complain about this when you don’t even care about me? You never have.” “You are just being petty.”
- Stereotyping: “They won’t believe you because they never believe women when they report abuse.” “You don’t really know what you are talking about; you’re too young to understand.”
2. Take notice if the situation causes…
- Self-doubt, confusion, and/or uncertainty
- Over-apologizing
- Insecurity about the validity of your feelings
- Difficulty with decision-making
- Feeling a loss of control
If you determine that gaslighting is occurring, work to establish a sense of safety around your family by trying the following:
1. Create physical space. A gaslighter craves proximity to their victim. According to research by Teresa Brennan of Cornell University, mood, energy, and affect can be “felt” in a literal sense “felt”—and the closer you are to the negativity, the more powerful its effect.
To remedy this, gain space from the gaslighter at a holiday gathering by mindfully choosing to sit further away from them, not engaging in conversation, or removing yourself from group tasks with the person—for example, not helping them set the table.
2. Seek solitude. There appears to be a misconception that “family time” must all be spent together. While this can be true to an extent, it also does not mean you have to stop engaging in activities that ground you and bring you joy.
Taking time for yourself may look like maintaining your exercise regime while visiting family, going for a walk outdoors, offering to run to the store if something is needed, or staying overnight in a separate space from your family if it’s financially possible. Each moment alone increases your connection with your inner voice that the gaslighter wants to silence. Take this time to check in and listen to yourself.
3. Align with positivity. Choose to spend more time with a family member with whom you align more closely. Even better, if they are willing to process your emotions with you about the family gathering, it can reinforce your mental boundaries and validate your experiences with the gaslighter.
Sometimes it is difficult to identify such a person if a gaslighter has isolated you from other family members, perhaps by causing discomfort in the family if someone aligns with you. If this is the case, simply spending more time with the person you feel most comfortable with can be soothing.
What Matters Most Is You
The most important thing is to remain connected with yourself when faced with family gaslighting. Speaking with a therapist, reaching out to a supportive friend, journaling and fact-checking your experience—or perhaps repeating the mantra “I do not own this” regarding the feelings, opinions, and perspectives of others in your family—can all be helpful. You deserve to protect your self-esteem and care for yourself first.
In the end, it is important to know that if a gaslighter is harming your mental health, you can always make the choice, albeit not an easy one, not to spend the holidays with your family. Many happy and healthy adults have adopted the practice of spending this time with “chosen families” that provide the support and stability we all deserve.
