You may think your emails are polite and professional, but passive-aggressive phrases can unintentionally slip in — whether you’re updating your boss, sending client deliverables, or coordinating with coworkers.
Email and other forms of written communication strip away context like tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. So if you’re not careful, even seemingly courteous phrases can make you sound angry or frustrated, undermining your trust and influence with others.
As the author of “Managing Up” and an executive coach for over a decade, I’ve heard leaders confess that they won’t promote someone who can’t handle conflict diplomatically and directly. At higher levels, you need to express yourself with tact, bringing others along rather than putting them on the defensive.
Here are five passive-aggressive phrases that put you on thin ice with colleagues.
1. ‘Just circling back on this’
It can be interpreted as: “Why haven’t you gotten back to me yet?” Even though you’re masking it in a friendly tone, the other person may feel called out or guilty for not responding sooner to what you’re implying should have been a simple and easy task.
Instead of dancing around what you need with vague niceties, clearly state your request and deadline. For instance:
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- “We need your feedback on the new hire. Please send me three bullets about who you prefer and why by end of day tomorrow.”
- “Could you let me know your thoughts on slides 3-6? I’m hoping to finalize the deck and send it to the committee by Tuesday.”
2. ‘Per my last email…’
This phrase is the email equivalent of saying: “I already told you this and now I’m annoyed I have to say it again.” While it’s normal to be frustrated when someone doesn’t seem to have read or acted on an earlier message, this phrase can come off as scolding the recipient or suggesting they’re incompetent.
Swap the adversarial tone for options like:
- “To recap the key points…”
- “Here’s what we agreed on during our last conversation…”
Or simply restate the information they need with no preamble:
- “The deadline is Friday at 5 p.m.”
- “The choices are A, B, or C. Which would you prefer?”
3. ‘Copying [name] here’
This phrase is a thinly veiled way to escalate the situation by bringing in someone with more authority or influence. It immediately shifts the dynamic from collaborative to confrontational, and can make the original recipient feel ambushed.
Sometimes you do need to loop in a manager or stakeholder to get things moving. That’s fine, but be transparent about why you’re adding them to the conversation. It should be clear you’re including them for legitimate business reasons, not as a passive-aggressive power play.
Say something like:
- “I’m adding Isaac since he’ll need to approve the final design.”
- “Looping in Nadia because this impacts her team’s timeline.”
4. ‘Thanks in advance’
This phrase can seem presumptuous, undermining the other person’s ability to say no. It also comes across as impersonal and transactional, like you’re more focused on getting the task checked off rather than actually appreciating their effort or time.
Acknowledge that the person has a choice. Try:
- “Could you review this in the next 48 hours? Let me know if that’s feasible.”
- “Please let me know if this timeline works for you.”
But avoid overly deferential language that makes you sound like a pushover, like: “I’d appreciate your help, if you get the chance. No worries if not!”
5. ‘Please advise’
This phrase is typically used when you’re peeved that something hasn’t been resolved. You want to say: “I don’t know what to do about this mess. You figure it out.” But you can’t, so you resort to a formal, almost legalistic tone that feels distant and cold.
Use a more casual question or make a statement showing you’re on standby. For example:
- “What are your thoughts on this?”
- “Can you clarify the process for me?”
- “I’ll hold off until I hear from you.”
- “Let me know your preferred approach.”
Are these phrases always passive-aggressive? Of course not. But if you find yourself reaching for them when you’re feeling angry or impatient, it’s a red flag that you might be letting strong emotions seep into your communication. The more conscious you become of your word choices, the more confident and influential you’ll seem.
Melody Wilding, LMSW is an executive coach, human behavior professor, and author of ”Managing Up: How to Get What You Need from the People in Charge.” Download exact scripts to diplomatically say no at work here.
Join our book club discussion with Melody Wilding! Request to join our LinkedIn group, and come talk with us and Wilding on Wednesday, October 1, at 10 a.m. ET, at our next CNBC Make It Book Club discussion.
Any questions for the author? Drop them in the comments of this LinkedIn post (you’ll need to join our private group first, which you can do here). Or email them to us in advance at askmakeit@cnbc.com, using the subject line “Question for Melody Wilding.”
In the meantime, you can also read Wilding’s articles, including on how to influence people and two toxic words that will hold you back.
Hoping to get ahead on the next books? Our October pick is “The 5 Types of Wealth: A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life” by Sahil Bloom.
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