Are You a Judgmental Leader? Here’s How to Fix That

A few weeks ago, a fellow coach was telling me about a challenge one of her clients was facing. The client was relatively new at the company, but in a short time she’d gone from open minded to judgmental, and was finding it difficult to build rapport with her team.

Maybe this sounds familiar. Even the most empathetic of us will have times when we find it difficult to understand the behavior and motivations of those we work with.

But here is where emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and manage emotions, can help. By using specific tools and techniques, we can keep our emotions in balance and adopt a learning mindset, helping us be better collaborators and leaders.

Here are three techniques that have helped me and my clients in the past, and hopefully they’ll help you. (Sign up here for my free email emotional intelligence course.)

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Try to understand

Remember that there are deeper reasons than she can see for why people are acting the way they are, whether speaking about individuals or an entire team. Are they calloused? Have they been burned before? Is current leadership setting the wrong example? Is it a personality issue? Are they going through a difficult situation in their personal life?

Set up one to one conversations; then, strive to get to root causes. Of course, that’s easier said than done. A simple framework like this one can help: Try to understand.

Additionally, you can search for answers people aren’t willing to give you directly. One way to do this is to continue to ask herself “Why, though?” … and then focus on what you know to help answer the question.

For example:



This teammate is so difficult to get along with. 



Why though? 


For one thing, they’ve been here a long time and they always think their way is right.

Why though?


Because management ignores their ideas. Or, they’ve seen management’s ideas fail over and over.



Why though? 


Because their personality is rough around the edges and they don’t know how to present their ideas in an emotionally intelligent way.



Why though?

Maybe because of their upbringing and experience. They’ve never been taught properly.



Following this question through can help you see things through a different lens.

Now the person isn’t just “difficult”; rather, they lack ability and motivation. Recognizing that, you can look past their roughness, build rapport by considering (and even trying) some of their ideas, and endorsing the ones that work. 

Build bridges, not walls

In the early days of leading a team, the key is to build bridges, trust, and rapport with your colleagues. You want them to see you, not as a threat, but as someone who values, respects, and is willing to learn from them.



Some questions she can ask to help do that:



What do you love most about your job?

What are the biggest pain points you’d remove if you could? (Can’t promise quick action on that, but we can try)

What are some lessons learned since you’ve been here? I’d love to learn from your experience.


Once you’ve started to build rapport, you may find yourself drifting back into “judgmental” mode. Another tool that can help here is The Blue Dolphin Rule, which will help you refocus on more productive thoughts.

Emotional intelligence isn’t taking emotions out of the picture. It’s bringing them back to balance—so you can stop being judgmental and continue learning. Then, you can use those learnings to help you and your teammates reach your goals.

The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.

The final deadline for the 2025 Inc. Best in Business Awards is Friday, September 12, at 11:59 p.m. PT. Apply now.

A few weeks ago, a fellow coach was telling me about a challenge one of her clients was facing. The client was relatively new at the company, but in a short time she’d gone from open minded to judgmental, and was finding it difficult to build rapport with her team.

Maybe this sounds familiar. Even the most empathetic of us will have times when we find it difficult to understand the behavior and motivations of those we work with.

But here is where emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and manage emotions, can help. By using specific tools and techniques, we can keep our emotions in balance and adopt a learning mindset, helping us be better collaborators and leaders.

Here are three techniques that have helped me and my clients in the past, and hopefully they’ll help you.

How CoreWeave Bought and Borrowed Its Way to AI Domination

How CoreWeave Bought and Borrowed Its Way to AI Domination

0 seconds of 3 minutes, 25 seconds

Try to understand

Remember that there are deeper reasons than she can see for why people are acting the way they are, whether speaking about individuals or an entire team. Are they calloused? Have they been burned before? Is current leadership setting the wrong example? Is it a personality issue? Are they going through a difficult situation in their personal life?

Set up one to one conversations; then, strive to get to root causes. Of course, that’s easier said than done. A simple framework like this one can help: Try tounderstand.

Additionally, you can search for answers people aren’t willing to give you directly. One way to do this is to continue to ask herself “Why, though?” … and then focus on what you know to help answer the question.

For example:



This teammate is so difficult to get along with. 



Why though? 


For one thing, they’ve been here a long time and they always think their way is right.

Why though?


Because management ignores their ideas. Or, they’ve seen management’s ideas fail over and over.



Why though? 


Because their personality is rough around the edges and they don’t know how to present their ideas in an emotionally intelligent way.



Why though?

Maybe because of their upbringing and experience. They’ve never been taught properly.



Following this question through can help you see things through a different lens.

Now the person isn’t just “difficult”; rather, they lack ability and motivation. Recognizing that, you can look past their roughness, build rapport by considering (and even trying) some of their ideas, and endorsing the ones that work. 


Build bridges, not walls

In the early days of leading a team, the key is to build bridges, trust, and rapport with your colleagues. You want them to see you, not as a threat, but as someone who values, respects, and is willing to learn from them.



Some questions she can ask to help do that:



• What do you love most about your job?

• What are the biggest pain points you’d remove if you could? (Can’t promise quick action on that, but we can try)

• What are some lessons learned since you’ve been here? I’d love to learn from your experience.


Once you’ve started to build rapport, you may find yourself drifting back into “judgmental” mode. Another tool that can help here is The Blue Dolphin Rule, which will help you refocus on more productive thoughts.

Emotional intelligence isn’t taking emotions out of the picture. It’s bringing them back to balance—so you can stop being judgmental and continue learning. Then, you can use those learnings to help you and your teammates reach your goals.

The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.

The final deadline for the 2025 Inc. Best in Business Awards is Friday, September 12, at 11:59 p.m. PT. Apply now.