We recently wrote an article about the sleep divorce, the increasingly popular practice of couples sleeping in separate beds. But what about couples living in separate homes?
Research shows that more people than ever are Living Apart Together (LAT) – maintaining a committed relationship while living independently in their own home. Interestingly, LAT relationships are most popular among couples over 60 – so why are more people choosing to live apart? And what are the pros and cons of a LAT relationship?
To shine a light on this growing trend – and help us understand how couples can make it work – we spoke to Ammanda Major, Clinical Quality Director for Relate at Family Action.
Here’s what to know about LAT relationships.
What is a ‘living apart together’ relationship?
There are big differences between couples who choose to live apart permanently and couples who are in long-distance relationships.
While both involve couples living separately, with long-distance relationships, there’s usually an external factor that stops both people from living in the same space. Usually, they’re geographically separated due to work or family commitments – meaning they tend to see each other less than LAT couples.
The term ‘living together apart’ is usually used to describe situations where two people are committed to living separately. But this isn’t always the case, and it’s important to consider how the very concept of LAT can be problematic.
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“There are couples who, from the very beginning of the relationship, have decided they’re going to live apart,” Ammanda Major told Rest Less. “That’s how they set the relationship up, and it works really well for them. What we do find sometimes, however, is that one party wants to have that extra space, and I think those situations are really difficult. Very often there’s one person who’s more keen than the other.”
However, the rising popularity of LAT is mostly related to couples who both want to live separately, and may reflect a broad shift in the way we think about relationships. Some experts believe that the LGBTQ community has helped pave the way for other couples whose union challenges conventionality.
So what are some of the reasons why LAT is now viewed as a growing trend?
Why more couples are choosing to live apart
A desire for autonomy
Every couple is different, so the reasons why people decide to live separately can vary significantly – but the most common motivation among people over 50 is a desire for autonomy.
LAT relationships are suited to people who value their personal space; it allows them to spend time alone whenever they like while still enjoying the benefits of a committed romantic relationship. Plus, many of these people have previously been married or were in long-term relationships, and are now unwilling to give up their autonomous lifestyle.
“With this age demographic, I would suggest that most people want to recreate a sense of independence they might have felt was missing over the years in a marriage or long-term relationship,” Major told us. “When you’re meeting in mid- to later-life, you both usually have your own homes, you have your own friends, so some people want to create a boundary around that. That doesn’t mean they won’t invite the partner into it occasionally, but they want to keep what’s theirs, what they’ve treasured and nurtured.”
Previous relationships can also create a desire for space. “If you haven’t been in a relationship for years, or you’ve been in relationships that have been difficult, you might want to have your own base to come back to and recharge your batteries.”
Shifting cultural expectations play a role, too. Society is now more accepting of non-traditional relationship models, and there’s an emphasis on individualism. Some experts believe that the LAT movement is mostly driven by women, who are using it as a way to flip gender norms on their head. Many of these women spent years living under the same roof as their partner, and, after taking care of their husband and family, now want to prioritise their own needs.
Likewise, the authors of the British study on LAT noted that this type of relationship was particularly beneficial for mature women: “Women may have more to gain than men from LAT (as opposed to marriage and cohabitation) due to the greater agency, autonomy, and freedom LAT relationships provide,” they wrote.
Other benefits of living apart
Aside from more independence and being able to prioritise your own needs, there are other perks to living apart, from maintaining your individualism to reducing the likelihood of arguments.
Because you’re not sharing a home, couples don’t have to deal with the small conflicts that come with running a household. When you’re not fussing about who hasn’t cleaned the bathroom, or whose turn it is to take the bins out, there’s less day-to-day friction. Relationships don’t become defined by the boring, humdrum stresses of existing together.
Not only does this often result in less conflict, but it also means the relationship feels fresher. Many people in a LAT relationship report an increased spark, and feeling more attracted to their partner.
Plus, when you’re not together all the time, you can appreciate each other more. Time spent together feels like a date – it’s quality time, intentional and special, not just routine cohabitation. Many people believe distance really does make the heart grow fonder, and they experience an increased longing for their partner.
What are the drawbacks to living apart?
On the flipside, living separately can create communication challenges. While digital devices make it easier for couples to stay connected when apart, electronic communication isn’t a match for face-to-face interaction. Plus, never having to deal with conflict or face the challenges of cohabitation can have adverse impacts on a couple’s strength and development, Major says.
“If everything is absolutely perfect whenever you meet up, and then you each go back to your respective dens without ever having to face the gritty, boring stuff you’d normally argue over, how do you develop as a couple? Sometimes it can be difficult for those couples to develop the skills to deal with difficult situations…because every time they meet up it’s perfect.”
Another drawback to living apart is heightened insecurities. “If you’re choosing this way of life, it’s not a good idea to be with someone who is jealous – because the whole foundation of it is that you have your friends and family and activities.” Being separate from your partner can create feelings of insecurity and loneliness, and increase concerns about fidelity.
This is particularly the case if one person is more keen on the idea of living apart than the other. When you’re in love with someone, it’s natural to want to be physically close to them, and if the other person doesn’t feel the same, they may feel spurned. “If what you really want is to live with your partner, and they’re saying, I love you and enjoy your company, but I don’t want to live with you, for some people that’s very rejecting,” Major warns.
Making living apart work
However, despite the disadvantages of living apart, a 2024 study of 50,000 UK adults found that people in LAT relationships had similar levels of mental wellbeing to those in conventional cohabiting relationships.
Another study on 15,000 Brits aged 60 to 85 found that those leaving LAT partnerships reported better mental health than couples leaving relationships where they lived together.
So if you’re intrigued by the idea of an LAT relationship, how can you see if it works for you?
As ever, the key is communication. Take some time to sit down with your partner and talk about why LAT is something you’re interested in pursuing. You both need to be on the same page, and if one person is only agreeing to please the other, living apart is unlikely to work.
“If someone is hesitant to live together, find out what’s making them hesitant,” Major advises. “Is it because they’ve never lived with anyone before? If you’re the reticent person, you need to understand why the other person is keen on this arrangement.”
If you’re both happy to give LAT a go, the next thing to tackle is the logistics. You’ll need to set clear expectations for how often you’ll see each other, and make a communication plan. Key questions include: how often will you see each other? Will you sleep over? Will you speak every day? Will you arrange calls at certain times, or have spontaneous check-ins? Will you have keys to each other’s homes?
Ultimately, to be successful, LAT requires mutual understanding, intentionality, communication, and agreement. “Unless you can have those conversations, it’s probably not a good idea,” Major says.
“These types of relationships have to be done with mutual respect for each person’s own space and boundaries, and people need to set up these arrangements knowing what’s important to their partners. The best way forward is to ask yourself, are you both on the same page? And then check in on that every few months.”
Checking in regularly is key because at some point, changes in circumstances will likely affect your relationship. Whether it’s getting a new job or needing to look after an ageing family member, the unpredictability of life may bring about a need to reassess your agreement. And, even if you both agree that LAT is permanent, it’s helpful to regularly talk about the future – as knowing you have a shared vision for your partnership can help you both feel secure.
Final thoughts…
The reasons why some couples choose to live apart can vary widely – but if you’re someone who values your independence and autonomy, you may find that LAT can develop and deepen your romantic relationship.
Societal expectations have become more flexible when it comes to relationships, and it’s up to us to determine what a healthy partnership looks like. Every couple is different, and some people are just happier living by themselves.
A successful LAT relationship hinges on effective communication. While this may take more effort – and perhaps some trial and error – you may find that the benefits of living apart outweigh the costs.
