Is it just me, or does it seem like we’ve regressed, as a society, in our ability to handle conflict? “Conflict” might actually be too strong of a word. It seems like we’re less able to effectively navigate conversations, both face-to-face and virtual, when we simply have differing perspectives. This is alarming and has a profound and far-reaching impact on society.
I know married couples who will not talk about politics at all because they disagree. Colleagues sometimes avoid people they’ve had conflict with for years, leading to tension and decreased productivity on the team. A surprising number of people I know would prefer to simply cut out someone from their lives if they are on the “wrong” political side. In the time it took you to read this article opener, you likely thought of specific situations in which people have not effectively addressed conflict to spare a relationship.
Our country’s “cancel culture” certainly is not helping the situation. We have political leaders who cancel others with different perspectives at the highest level of government, which does not encourage or model healthy debate. Business leaders also seem less confident with challenging ideas in their work environments.
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This article was written with one goal in mind: to arm readers with a simple approach to having important conversations that may have been avoided unnecessarily and to improve and enhance relationships as a result. It is important to prepare for difficult conversations, considering goals for you and the other person, instead of winging it. I coach leaders to consider the following questions when they need to have difficult conversations in the workplace.
What is the problem?
What is the actual issue and its impact on you, the other person and others?
What emotions are you experiencing?
How did you feel when the situation started? How are you feeling now?
What stories have you created in your mind about the situation?
We all do this, but we’re not always conscious of it. I’d be willing to bet you’ve created a story in your mind about the situation. That story may or may not be realistic, but the story you’ve created is having an impact on how you’re interacting with and thinking about the other person.
You may be telling yourself the other person doesn’t care about you or that they’re trying to bulldoze others as they advance in their career. Be honest with yourself, and identify what stories you’re making up in your head.
What are the risks of having and not having the conversation?
My clients will often share they’re concerned about hurting the relationship, so they avoid having difficult conversations. But I remind them that the other person is likely picking up on an issue and may not understand what is causing that issue. It’s important to consider what the risks of not having the conversation are, as well, because the status quo is not the desired state.
One way to think about this is to consider the best-case scenario, worst-case scenario and most likely outcome of having the conversation and not having the conversation. Typically, when my clients do this, the “most likely outcome” is very close to the “best-case scenario,” but they’ve made a mountain out of the situation in their minds.
What have you tried already to address the problem, and what were the outcomes?
Were you clear and direct? Did you use sarcasm to try to address the situation? Have you avoided the person?
How do you think the other person will respond, and how can you mitigate that response, if necessary?
Anticipating the person’s likely response will help you consider how to react.
What are your mutual goals?
This is an important, and often overlooked, question. At work, it’s often easy to identify mutual goals. Personal relationships may be a little more challenging, but preserving the relationship, decreasing tensions at gatherings and supporting your personal network may be goals.
How can you create a safe and productive environment to have the conversation?
You’ll want to make sure to have this conversation one-on-one in a quiet, private space with minimal distractions. Pay attention to your words and body language to ensure you’re conveying your desire to have a productive, healthy conversation (not going into battle).
Finally, it’s time to open the conversation. I’ve found one of the easiest ways to do this is to simply ask the other person for their perspective about the situation. It requires little setup for you and can lead to surprising information.
I recently had a situation in my personal life and had made stories up in my mind about the person and the situation. I simply started the conversation with, “What’s your perspective of what’s happening with …” and was completely flabbergasted by the person’s response. She shared a lot more information than I did, and I was able to tailor my response and suggestions for moving forward based on her response.
Another option would be to prepare for opening the conversation by sharing your perspective of the situation, examples of the problem and the impact it had and your contributions to the problem, and then ask for the other person’s perspective.
Our relationships are often worth preserving. Even if you decide a particular relationship is not worth your energy, gaining experience from addressing difficult situations and the successful outcome that often results from that courageous effort will serve you well in the future. My executive coaching clients noticed enhanced trust and transparency in relationships when they prepared for and had difficult conversations. What’s the best-case scenario? You’ll get practice at an important life skill and will feel more confident effectively handling similar situations in the future. And the relationship could be dramatically improved after the conversation!
