What is zombieing? Dating experts weigh in on how to avoid the haunting habit

We’re not just talking about horror movies and apocalyptic fiction. “Zombieing” is now used in the modern-day dating vernacular, and it puts a whole new spin on ghosting.

“As dating culture becomes more digital, people are navigating relationships in new (and sometimes frustrating) ways, including exes and past flings popping back up out of nowhere,” says Claudia Giolitti-Wright, MA, LMFT, of New York City based practice, Psychotherapy for Young Women.

As Shan Boodram, Bumble’s sex and relationships expert likens it, if ghosting is when someone seems to suddenly disappear without explanation and stops communicating with you, “zombieing” is when that ghoster suddenly comes back around.

“Zombies can arise in any form: liking Instagram stories after not texting you back, texting they miss you after ignoring your missed calls weeks earlier, or commenting under posts while leaving previous messages unanswered,” says Boodram.

Whether you’ve been zombied yourself or are supporting a friend who is Going Through It with a capital “G”, here’s what you should know about zombieing. Since getting zombied can be quite the head scratcher, we also tapped dating gurus for practical tips on how to handle someone who appears back in your life seemingly out of thin air.

What is zombieing?

Zombieing is what happens when someone who ghosted you suddenly comes back, often acting like nothing ever happened.

Giolitti-Wright ticks off several of the more popular examples of zombieing, such as sending you a direct message on social media along the lines of, “Hey, how’ve you been?” or by starting to like your social media posts after months of radio silence. “It’s confusing because they disappeared without explanation — so why are they back now? Sometimes, it’s a genuine attempt to reconnect, but other times, it’s an easy way for them to keep a door open without real effort,” says Giolitti-Wright. “Whether you engage or not depends on whether this person deserves another shot in your life.”

Zombieing recipients beware: “In many cases, zombieing can be more emotionally taxing than ghosting, because of the confusion it causes,” says Boodram.

Why do people engage in zombieing?

There’s a whole slew of scenarios that may contribute to why someone decides to partake in zombieing a former romantic flame.

Per Boodram, zombieing is the easiest way to avoid taking accountability.

“Sometimes, people zombie out of boredom: they have lost interest in someone, found interest in someone else, and then maybe things didn’t work out with that person so they’re looking to rekindle that previous relationship,” she says. “Other times, some people partake in zombieing because they’re unsure of what they actually want, or are afraid of commitment. Regardless, zombieing is disrespectful of anyone’s time, and can be frustrating to deal with.”

Echoing that sentiment, Giolitti-Wright says sometimes people pop back up because they’re feeling lonely, seeking validation, or testing if you’re still interested. “Dating apps and social media make it easy to reappear without much effort, which is why it happens so often,” she says, noting that the tricky part is that unless they take responsibility for disappearing in the first place, their return can feel more like a game than a genuine attempt at reconnecting.

What should you do if you’re zombied?

Giolitti-Wright says that if someone who ghosted you suddenly comes back, take a second to ask yourself: “Do they actually seem interested in making things right, or are they just looking for attention?” If they don’t acknowledge the ghosting or give a real explanation, Giolitti-Wright believes it’s okay to ignore them or set a boundary.

“Zombieing is frustrating because it often lacks closure, but the good news is that you’re in control of who you let back into your life,” she says. “Pay attention to patterns, trust your gut, and remember that the right people won’t leave you guessing.”

Boodram takes a perhaps more pessimistic view, reminding people that zombies “aren’t rational or capable of having the kinds of conversations you need.” In fact, imagine trying to talk about boundaries with a ghoul, she quips. “Once you acknowledge someone’s pattern you must disengage,” says Boodram. “You can let them know that the only way to get your attention is to take accountability for their inconsistent behavior and then commit to a new way of connecting going forward.”