10 phrases that sound polite but actually reveal a lack of emotional intelligence

Ever been in a chat that leaves you feeling a bit off, even though the words spoken were polite?

Well, it happens. And it’s not always about the words said. It’s about what they really mean.

This hidden meaning, believe it or not, can show a lack of emotional intelligence.

What’s emotional intelligence? It’s being able to understand and handle our feelings and the feelings of others. It’s about empathy and good communication. But not everyone’s got this down.

Let’s explore ten phrases that might sound polite but actually reveal a lack of emotional intelligence.

You might be surprised by what you discover!

1. “Calm down”

We’ve all heard it, and we’ve probably said it too. “Calm down.” It seems like a straightforward request, right? But here’s the thing – it’s a phrase that can make people feel anything but calm.

Telling someone to “calm down” might sound like you’re trying to help, but it can come across as dismissive. It can seem as if you’re not taking their feelings seriously or even belittling their emotions.

Emotional intelligence is about understanding and respecting feelings, both our own and others’. If someone is upset, instead of telling them to “calm down,” a better approach might be to acknowledge their feelings and offer support. Something like, “I can see you’re upset. Can we talk about what’s bothering you?” shows empathy and emotional understanding.

2. “No offense, but…”

“No offense, but…” is a phrase that typically precedes a comment that is likely to offend. The speaker may think they’re being polite by giving a heads-up, but it often has the opposite effect.

When someone says “No offense, but…”, it can come across as if they are trying to get a free pass to say something potentially hurtful or rude. It reveals a lack of emotional intelligence as it shows insensitivity towards the feelings of others.

Instead, try expressing your thoughts or criticisms in a constructive and empathetic way. For instance, “I value your perspective, and I have a different viewpoint I’d like to share…” communicates a respect for differing opinions without causing unnecessary offense.

3. “You’re too sensitive”

Now, this is one I’ve experienced personally. Someone once told me, “You’re too sensitive.” It was said in a polite tone, but it left me feeling invalidated and misunderstood.

The phrase “You’re too sensitive” can be hurtful because it suggests that the person’s feelings are exaggerated or not valid. It’s a classic example of emotional dismissal. In my case, I felt like my feelings were being brushed aside, as if they didn’t matter.

Emotional intelligence is about validating and respecting the emotions of others. Instead of labeling someone as “too sensitive,” it’s more helpful to engage in a conversation about why they are feeling the way they do. A response like, “It wasn’t my intention to upset you, can you help me understand why you feel this way?” shows empathy and willingness to understand, key aspects of emotional intelligence.

4. “I’m sorry you feel that way”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” Sounds pretty polite, doesn’t it? But the problem is, it’s not really an apology. It’s actually a subtle way of avoiding responsibility for the situation.

According to psychology experts, a genuine apology involves acknowledging your role in the situation and expressing regret for your actions, not for how the other person feels.

When you say “I’m sorry you feel that way,” it can come across as if you’re blaming the other person for feeling upset, rather than accepting that your actions may have caused their feelings. It shows a lack of emotional intelligence because it fails to show empathy and understanding.

A better approach would be to say something like, “I’m sorry for what I did. I can see how it upset you and I will try not to repeat it.” This kind of apology acknowledges your role in the situation, validates the other person’s feelings and shows a commitment to change, reflecting higher emotional intelligence.

5. “It’s not that big of a deal”

“It’s not that big of a deal.” When this phrase is thrown into a conversation, it can feel like a punch in the gut. It can be heartbreaking to hear, especially when you’re sharing something you feel strongly about.

The phrase “It’s not that big of a deal” minimizes the importance or significance of what the other person is feeling or experiencing. It lacks empathy and understanding, key elements of emotional intelligence.

Remember, what may seem insignificant to one person can be a big deal to another. Emotions are subjective, they vary from person to person.

Instead, try saying something like, “I can see this is really important to you.” It’s a simple switch of phrase, but it shows that you acknowledge their feelings and deem them valid, no matter how you personally view the situation. This approach not only validates their feelings but also builds trust and rapport, reflecting higher emotional intelligence.

6. “That’s just how I am”

I remember a time when someone close to me responded to my concern with, “That’s just how I am.” It felt as if they were using this phrase as a shield, to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or behavior.

When someone says “That’s just how I am,” it can come off as dismissive and uncaring. It suggests that they’re unwilling to make changes or consider the feelings of others. For me, it felt like my feelings and concerns were being brushed aside.

Emotional intelligence involves being aware of how our actions affect others and being willing to make adjustments if necessary. Instead of resorting to “That’s just how I am,” a more emotionally intelligent response might be, “I didn’t realize my actions were affecting you like this. Let’s talk about what I can do differently.” This shows a willingness to change and respect for the feelings of others, which are crucial aspects of emotional intelligence.

7. “I don’t want to argue”

“I don’t want to argue.” Now, this one sounds like a peace offering, doesn’t it? But let’s be real here, often it’s a polite way of shutting down a conversation or avoiding uncomfortable truths.

When someone says “I don’t want to argue,” they’re usually trying to escape from a discussion that might be difficult or challenging. It’s a way of dodging accountability and avoiding conflict, but in the process, it can also dismiss the feelings and opinions of others.

Emotional intelligence is about handling tough conversations with grace and respect. Instead of trying to escape the situation, try saying something like, “This is a tough conversation, but I think it’s important. Let’s find a solution together.” This approach acknowledges the difficulty of the situation but also communicates your commitment to resolving the issue. It shows empathy, understanding and the ability to handle tough situations – all signs of emotional intelligence.

8. “It could be worse”

When someone shares their struggles, a response like “It could be worse” might seem like an attempt to offer perspective, but it can be more harmful than helpful.

According to psychologists, phrases like “It could be worse” are actually a form of toxic positivity. It’s an avoidance strategy that dismisses genuine feelings of pain or hardship.

Instead of acknowledging the person’s feelings, saying “It could be worse” minimizes their experiences and can make them feel guilty for having negative emotions. This lack of empathy and understanding reveals a lack of emotional intelligence.

A more emotionally intelligent response might be, “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Is there anything I can do to support you?” This shows empathy and offers support without minimizing the person’s feelings or experiences.

9. “You always…” or “You never…”

In my personal experience, nothing escalates a disagreement faster than the words “You always…” or “You never…”. These phrases are not just overly simplistic; they can also be quite hurtful, making the recipient feel attacked and defensive.

I remember a time when a friend told me, “You never listen!” It felt harsh and unfair, as I did try to listen most of the time. The absolute language made me feel cornered and dismissed my efforts to be a good listener.

Emotional intelligence involves understanding how our words affect others. Instead of using absolute terms like “always” or “never,” which can sound accusatory, it’s more helpful (and accurate) to express how specific actions make you feel. For instance, “I felt unheard when I was talking about my day earlier,” is a more constructive and emotionally intelligent way to communicate the issue without resorting to absolutes.

10. “Whatever”

Let’s be completely honest here. The phrase “Whatever” is one loaded word. It might come off as casual or indifferent, but it’s often a polite disguise for dismissal or even contempt.

When someone says “Whatever,” it can feel like they’re brushing off your thoughts, feelings, or opinions. It’s a way of saying, “I don’t care enough about this conversation or your viewpoint to engage further.” And that can sting.

Emotional intelligence is all about valuing and respecting the feelings and perspectives of others. So, instead of resorting to “Whatever,” a more emotionally intelligent response might be, “I can see we have different perspectives. Let’s take some time and revisit this later.” This shows that you respect the other person’s viewpoint, even if you need a little break from the discussion.

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